Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick, Dick.... Dick!

  • Posted on: 30 October 2014
  • By: Shawn DeWolfe
Running through the back of my head all week (thanks to events surrounding CBC’s personality / date rapist, Jian Ghomeshi) has been the opening sequence from Reservoir Dogs and Quentin Tarrantino’s rant about Madonna and Like A Virgin. He theorizes that Like A Virgin is about pain, pain like the first time. Hence: Like A Virgin.
Pain, permissiveness, permission and pelvises has been in a swirl this week. It’s had me thinking about a number of topics and how they tie together.

Start close to home. One local character is a vocal swinger. He equates monogamy with bigotry as an example of yet another bad practice that will die in generations to come. His party trick is to try to fuck anyone. Have a house party and this little nerd shows up to fuck the hostess. Were she to say, ‘no’, well: what’s her problem? Maybe she has standards. Maybe she has intact persona that includes her marriage vows being something sacred. Maybe none of those matter because no means no, and knocking on every door to get a ‘yes’ is just a shade better than foregoing the permission check. This little weasel is a wouldbe security expert and I swear he’s mapping his security tactics to hook-ups: socially port scanning for exploits, vulnerabilities and vaginas. If you look at the Ghomeshi thing, he scaffolded from a ledge of permission (eg. “let’s go for drinks” all the way to, “you’re lucky to have me punch you in the face”). Looking for a lack of ‘no’ by trying everything everywhere is in the same ballpark.

A dear Facebook friend had this to say from the other day:

“Buses are so sketchy. Like the creepiest guy asking me where I lived and worked .., if I lived alone. Like gross.”

We actually had dinner moments after this happened. I was amazed and annoyed but not surprised. He kept on her for two bus rides, changing buses luckily as she did. Likely he’ll be on her bus again. This is not uncommon-- far from it. Men do this all the time. They’ll hit on anything and everything. That ringing on every doorbell is crazy making. It actually makes me not engage with women in public; and it leaves me reluctant to initiate conversations. That’s not out of shyness or fear, save the fear that I will be mistaken as yet another freak. My ego is intact enough to know that is not the case (well, I’m not *that* kind of a freak), but the general false positives from women who are allergic to the BS; that’s not the validation I seek from society. The net effect: minimal engagement. Minimal chance that I get mistaken for yet another freak with no game who is hitting on a woman. I basically take a bullet for half of the human species as my little way of saying, “They’re stupid and I can’t abide by that, but let me take the pressure off by not saying anything at all and just providing a friendly smile as I acknowledge you and move on with my life.” That means that I miss the chance to talk to a lot of people. In addition to those nice women who could carry on a good conversation, I’ll steer wide of the dorks who act like dogs chasing cars. I will sometimes jump that divide when I think, “I bet I’m not going to be mistaken for a jerk” but that is an uncommon situation. More on this from Shapely Prose: http://kateharding.net/...guide-to-approaching-strange-women-without-being-maced/

I had a difficult friend (I’ve actually have a few of those). When we went to the bar, he would hit on every woman he could get to. If they were hot, he’d annoy them with the aim of nailing them. If they were not hot, he would annoy them with the goal of getting them to bugger off entirely. It wasn’t long before I learned to not be associated with him. More than once, I asked, “Do you have to piss in every pool?” as I reeled from trial and guilt by association.

These guys with their bad form make it hard for the few out there who know better and behave well, acting with respect for the humans including and especially the desirable ones. The bad actors actually have some success with their ego, their brazen lines, jack-ass behaviour, bus-bound creeping and hostess humping. I have heard women regret the bad hook-ups after the fact, wherein their defenses were worn down. They’ll sleep with a guy, “just to get him off their case.” Sadly, that is sometimes the only tactic that brings about a conclusion. Hounding and coercion have been mistaken for viable tactics. It’s so much the case that Canada’s newfound serial rapist is getting legions of supporters who want to say, “let’s not rush to judgement.” and “it’s easy to make these anonymous accusations.” The median is this siege approach by men, so an outlier who hurts women no longer lies too far out any more. Many want that median pushed further in their favour, applying deregulation to sexuality so that the market can decide what’s right and what’s wrong instead of leaving this to the comfort of individuals. It means that we, as a society, could slide toward more discounting of women and give up on the necessity of making their choice absolute in what happens to them. It could mean we get more prudish and quick to make “no means no” such an all-encompassing sentiment that sex happens only after a visit to a notary’s office. The potential fallout feels like it’s blowing in the wrong direction and this could cause polarization, closeting and a retrograde in our social advances. We are not taking an opportunity to make a healthier sexual climate. That still needs to happen even if it’s easier to take the simple approach of more prudes and more secretive but unqualified leniency.

This pull towards giving a serial rapist all due respect and consideration diminishes us as a whole. Yes: there is “innocent before proven guilty” from the legal system, but the legal system is not a system fixated on justice or fairness. If anything, the legal system is stacked to rebuff sexual assault victims. Six percent of victims go to police. Many fewer get their day in court and fewer still see the rapist go to job. It’s stats like that, that encourage serial rapists. Russian Roulette puts a bullet in one of six chambers. A rapist conviction feels as likely as being hit by lightning. It means that you have to be over-protective. There are no protections in place to stymie bad behaviour. That chokes off all of us. The only thing that could make this worse are the rape apologists who equate adequate use of a microphone with being a good person.

I think rape is the only crime that should have the death penalty attached to it. I feel that strongly about it (skip the list for the “why” on that mindset).

To the women who are rape apologists I say these things:
  1. You're an enemy to your half of the species and you're not a friend of my half, either. I know countless women who have been raped and when they go to someone they trust to confide in them, they get something to the effect of "are you sure you were raped?" or some other statement of disbelief and discount.
  2. I am livid that rapists are allowed to walk to the Earth, but I wish their apologists would do us all a favour and walk into traffic. If you are an apologist for Jian Ghomeshi, I am disappointed that you exist.
  3. A study in Asia uncovered that 23% of men have committed a sexual assault. Out of 2 billion people, 230 MILLION of them are rapists. That’s a rape nation. [UN Study: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2013/09/130914-rape-asia-pacific-un-men-violence-women/]. Seeing that number makes me cave in. Take that number and extrapolate it to daily life: half of the guys on the back half of the bus are rapists. Every fourth man making an order at a Malaysia McDonalds is a rapist. I’m not loving it. With stats like that, no woman is overreacting to the likelihood of the threat turning into reality. If one in four men were intent on eventually punching me in the face, I would always wear a hockey mask. I would be perpetually prepared to lash out. What a horrible cultural dynamic.
  4. The Ghomeshi thing is masked as BDSM, but it truth, he’s a serial rapist who peddled his fame into opportunity. His violence and coercion in a sexual context or for his sexual gratification makes many of his actions sexual assault.
  5. If a woman is an apologist for Ghomeshi, I want them to turn to a random woman and have the courage to say, “rape is just fine.” The chances are high that they will be talking to a rape victim who has kept her mouth shut all these years. If you are an apologist, have the courage to say that the attack or attacks on them in past that haunted them and changed them are good things. As an apologist, that is your projected viewpoint, but it is absolutely not mine.
When you strip all of the layers away, living creatures are baby machines. Science has proven that time and again. It’s why sex consumes us. It’s why we have weddings to prep couples to have conditions conducive to child rearing. For some species, sex is a mortal act and they die shortly after reproducing. There was a recent story of a python that had a virgin birth of 60 eggs-- little clones of her. Life is pernicious-- even when there is no mating to be had, life still finds a way. Commonly, life persists through sex. When a woman is raped, that intrinsic part of being alive is fractured. We live with the five senses. Beneath those are sensibilities. When in tune, they guide us as keenly as vision or hearing. Rape is an assault on those sensibilities. Yeah: “it’s just sex.” and “it’s just a closed fist punch by a celebrity.” It’s much more. This feels like what is up with BDSM. On the surface it has malign trapping: bindings, humiliation, and the like. Kink has picked up a lot of respect in the last few years, so anyone who jumps on board is jumping into friendlier waters even if they come with some malicious intent. Violence and denigration can be at the core of your sexual practices, but it can still look like rape. It can be pleasurable to some people, but not everyone. Bad actors mask their behavior as a personal preference, when it is really a practice meant to strip something away from someone else for their own satisfaction.

The real meter of sexual liberation and sexual plurality is whether or not we can accept asexuals, pansexuals and a lot of plain folk-- and that we can celebrate all of them for their capacity to find what makes them happy. We can be okay that people’s kinks are what they are and that having no kinks is good too.

More sobering stats. Canadian: http://www.sexassault.ca/statistics.htm and this study, used to make the graphic I shared this morning: http://ywcacanada.ca/data/research_docs/00000308.pdf
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Last updated date

Thursday, October 30, 2014 - 22:56